Things Your Doctor May Neglect to Tell You About a Hemorrhoidectomy

Read.  And learn.

Delegate a sober and alert caretaker to read and administer post-op directions. Percocet-impaired eyes may read "2 Tablespoons" when it really says "1 teaspoon" of Citrucel--mixed in juice every morning.  Yes, in just a matter of hours, your belly skin CAN and WILL stretch to the size of a 5-month pregnancy.

There is only one purpose of a bowel movement.  Survival.  I've had 6 now, so I think I get 3 more...or is that just cats?  I may be in trouble.

When your husband rudely breaks a loud windy, you will not reprimand him, but instead will pooch your lip out and say, "You're soooo lucky."

The only position you'll find comfortable is ... Knocked.  Out.

If you remain in the above position too long, you will not be able to have a bowel movement. and you will die.  And you will think that's a preferable cause of death...rather than to die actually HAVING said b.m.

Stock up on this:

It will save your family many trips to Walmart.  We've purchased 40 lbs.  So far.

The traditional pain scale goes from #1 to #10.  With #1 being "No Pain" and #10 being "Hurts Worst."  It should, in fact, include #12 "Just Shoot Me Now."

Before surgery the "affected site" may remind you of this cluster of grapes:

After surgery (and your doctor won't tell you this) you might expect a clean slate.  Au contraire. It will more likely resemble these raspberries:

It's all part of the "post-op swelling."  I may never be able to eat off these place mats again.

DO NOT USE ONE OF THESE:

It will only prove to increase the post-op swelling.

Do not schedule this procedure 5 days before a big event.  Like your favorite cousin's daughter's wedding.  Or you'll be relying on someone with an I-Phone to I-Chat the event to your living room.  And you'll realize that I-Chat goes both ways and they can see YOU in all your 5-day post-op splendor...5 days of unmoisturized, uncosmeticked, face...5 days of bed-head hair...sweaty, wrinkled pj's...probably best to just wait for the dvd.

Fly your mother in for at least a week.  Sure, your hubby might come in handy to lift you out of the tub and to count the 93 stool softener capsules because in your drug induced state, you won't remember if you already took your nightly dose--BUT--it probably won't occur to him to massage your aching back muscles or brush your hair just because it's soothing, or ask you if you'd like a nice cup of tea.  Or wash 34 loads of laundry and cook 27 meals. Or take pictures for your blog.